That one time I thought I was Russell Brand.

Quite a snappy title, innit? I liked it. Oh yes, the story. Well, we all have idols. We all have those celebrities that we hold as a paragon of virtue, that what they say is gospel and to whom we feel we can relate to much easier than, say, people we actually know personally. Very rarely do we actually think we are a celebrity. Well ok, that's slightly misleading. I didn't think I was Russell Brand, but there was a time I made quite an effort in trying to replicate his every mannerism and incorporate his own little quirks into my personality. I think I was about 16.


It all started when I re-watched Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2007. I had seen it when it first came out but on second viewing, it had a much more profound effect on me. For the uninitiated of you, BFQOTY is an annual quiz show featuring teams of celebrities battling against each other to see which celebrity knows most about the past year's events shown in the last week of December. It's a very flippant show, more Mock the Week than an actual quiz. In 2007, one of the celebrity duos featured were the Goth Detectives comprised of the Mighty Boosh's Noel Fielding and one Russell Brand. The other teams were strong and quite funny. They amused me. But the Goth Detectives entranced me. Noel Fielding was the junior member of the terrible twosome. He liked to convey a sort of dopey and innocent image of himself on BFQOTY. He was hilarious. The other member of the Goth Detectives....


Russell Brand. Fuck, even his name sounds like he was born to be famous. It rolls of the tip of your tongue and the name 'Brand' especially conjures up visions of glamour. Watching him on BFQOTY was a personal and comedic revolution for me. Everything he was in that 90 minutes of programming, I wanted to be. He was charming, he was witty, he was mirthful. Visually, Russell Brand is an anomaly. As a socially frustrated 15 year old, who constantly saw himself as different from his peers but with no outlet to express this individuality, I wanted to have Russell Brand's demeanour. Well, not literally. I wanted my own one but as wacky and as aesthetically pleasing as Russell's. I couldn't imagine myself growing my hair to the same length as his or cultivating a beard akin to his lovely, plush face-scarf but I wanted his effulgent individuality.


In a comedic sense, I copied Russell too. Honestly, I tried my darndest to be him. I fastidiously watched clips of him attempting to learn each of his idiosyncrasies no matter how subtle or seemingly insignificant. For instance, I tried to learn how he always cocked his head forwards just as he was about to answer a question in a humourous manner. I didn't try to imitate his voice for my cockney accent is notoriously poor but I did try and incorporate mannerisms of his speech into my thick Kerry accent. Imitating the way he broke up sentences by wildly overstating the word 'but' was one of my favourite tricks. These tactics worked well. I soon became known as someone who could make someone laugh and a lot of it was down to Russell. Sure, any joke or insult I made was mine but the content is only half the beauty of the joke. Delivery was key and my delivery of jokes was my imitation of Russell Brand. 


His former hedonistic lifestyle did not deter me either for I saw Russell Brand as a genuinely good man. An ordinary person's relationship with a celebrity is a peculiar thing. Chances are, Russell Brand wouldn't particularly like me if we were to meet or vice-versa, but I have some sort of emotional connection to him no matter how superficial it may be. His rebellious attitude enticed me, as did his hyperactive nature. I have always been hyperactive and jumpy which is rather rare. I don't like staying in one spot for too long and I have a short attention span. With the right know-how, you can make people laugh with this hyperactivity. Russell taught me how. 


This phase lasted a long time and has deeply affected me. Who I am today, my fashion, my humour, my taste in music, all derive from this period. I don't think I am Russell Brand any more, though I do still love Russell Brand. I see that in my headless pursuit to express my supposed individuality, trying to copy another person (in this case Russell Brand) is a bit of a paradox. How can one be individual if they imitate another person? Seems simple but it took me about a year and half to learn. No one is truly individual, human beings are very impressionable creatures but we each have little quirks that make us who we individually are. If these quirks are perceived as funny, you're in luck. 

My application to the FA to be the next England manager.

Last night, in a wild fit of boredom and creativity, I decided to e-mail the FA to put my name forward for the vacant managerial position after the resignation of Fabio Capello. It took a while, and many cups of tea, but I think I got my point across. Here is a transcript of the e-mail I sent them:

Dear FA,

A chara,

Good evening. Firstly I would like to commend you on that fine job you did with dispensing with the captaincy services of that reputable, racist git John Terry, he was an awful gobshite. My name is Conor O'Riordan and in light of the recent resignation of Fabio Capello, I would like to put my name forward for consideration when choosing a suitable replacement for Mr.Capello. I'm 18, I'm a student and I'm Irish. Now it may seem far-fetched that I, a mere layman, replace one of the most revered managers in football history but if you bare with me I think you may realise that this could in fact be quite fruitful for all parties concerned.

Qualifications

To the naked eye it may seem that I am rather lacking in this department but if you were to open your mind you would realise that I am as qualified as any of your Harry Redknapps or Alan Pardews or Martin O'Neills. Firstly, I have the same amount of league titles and European Cups as Harry, Martin and Alan combined. Secondly, I have never lost a competitive international while the manager of an international team (My spell at the British Virgin Islands may have slipped under the radar but it was a fruitful time for all concerned. Especially the British Virgins). Thirdly, my football management skills have been thoroughly tested by a hi-tech simulator which tests the cognitive and reactionary ability of managers known as Manager Mode in FIFA 11. After four seasons managing Coventry City FC, I led the Warwickshire side to Premier League and Champions Cup success beating footballing powerhouses such as Manchester United, Barcelona and Stoke City along the way. My shrewd investment in players as far flung as Jean-Louis Akpa-Akpro from Rochdale to Yoann Gourcuff from Lyon supplemented the local talent already there beautifully. I played an attacking 4-2-4 formation which obliterated most opposition defences. What really set me apart from my contemporaries however was my uncanny playing style which commentators described as 'Arsenal on steroids'. I believe this style would transcend well to the international stage.

My vision for England

I love England. I love Kate Middleton, I love curry and I love Jeremy Kyle and all his funny looking friends. I want to restore England to her rightful place at the top of world football. I have a long term plan which, if applied properly, would establish England as the footballing superpower in 20 years time. It involves genetically mutilating and combining the sperm of Wayne Rooney, Theo Walcott and Ledley King and  embedding it in the uteruses (uteri?) of 11 young, English women. This way the offspring would be as skilful and handsome as Wayne, as quick as Theo and as hard as nails as Ledley. It would be a tricky and expensive process but I assure you in 20 years time when you see 11 albino chavs taking the field for England and pummelling Spain and their fancy tika-fucking-taka into the ground you will thank me. In the short-term, I advise a few simple squad alterations that  would galvanise the English team in no time. The first one involves locking Gareth Barry in a shed for the duration of Euro 2012. The second one involves bringing back Paul Gascoigne for A. We all love Gazza. B. If Gazza, Andy Carroll and Rooney played together up front for England it would surely be the prelude to a shift in the space-time continuum which would result in the transportation to a new universe where England can actually win trophies. C. We all love Gazza. Thirdly, I have recruited a talented young forward to complete the attacking quartet. His name - Colm Cooper. Cooper is a rather proficient footballer from the hills of County Kerry, Ireland. He is not English but I have acquired a semi-real English passport and have taught him how to speak in a strong cockney accent by watching episodes of Only Fools and Horses with him. He sounds like Trigger. Before you ask if I have FIFA clearance, of course I do! Sepp owes me. I did him a favour regarding fine wine, nun uniforms, whips and women a few years ago and he owes me big time. This would be my desired team for England -

________________Hart__________________

G. Neville ____̶T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶___King_________A. Cole                  

 (Yes, really)    RIO                                                                  

________Fat Frank_______JOEY BARTON_______

Cooper___________________________GAZZA

________Wazza__________ANDY ANDY CARROLL

Smashing, I think you'll agree. Especially Joey Barton. Every team needs Joey Barton.

In conclusion

I hope you enjoyed my e-mail and will thoroughly analyse it and come to the realisation that the best way forward for the English National Team lies in the hands of an Irish teenager. After all the pillocks ye have employed since Sir Bobby stepped down, ye'd be mad not to at least give me a chance. Salary would not be a problem. All I ask is the basic industrial wage and an annual meeting with Russell Brand. Cracking stuff boys. Thanks for your time.

Mise le meas,

Conor Ó'Riordáin

And yes, I actually did e-mail them. Here is the proof in pictures. 

Bit of a laugh sure. But at the same time, deadly serious and I expect a reply. Peace and love.

Conor x

Friendship is.....

How can one accurately describe the abstract concept that is friendship? Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as 'The quality or state of being friendly' or 'the relationship between two friends'. These definitions are pretty primitive. They don't explain the little intricacies and conditions that make up a good friendship. I don't expect them to, but at the same time, I wouldn't expect someone who wants to know what true friendship is to check for a dictionary definition. You don't need one. You know what friendship is when you have a true friendship.


Friends are people who you enjoy spending time with. I've got hundreds of acquaintances but very few I would regard as friends. This is because I don't want to spend that much time with all of them. That's not to say I don't like them, it's just that their company isn't something I long for. Their company can be quite awkward and cordial. I don't miss them when they're away. When you have a proper, lasting friendship with someone, you do miss them. You miss their funny little ways and their annoying habits. You miss the arguments and you miss the DMCs (Deep Meaningful Conversations to the uninitiated of you). Their presence is enough to warm you. A wise man or woman once said 'True friendship is when silence between two people is comfortable'. What a sagacious little quote. Some times friends need say nothing, they just need to be there.


Friendship of course, is not merely a same-sex matter. Society is keen to show us, from an early age, that we should focus on fraternising with people of our own sex. Be it the existence of same-sex schools or even clubs and organisations like boy-scouts or girl guides, there is an almost continuous attempt to divide children on the grounds of their gender. Friendship between a man and a woman is a very viable and beneficial relationship nevertheless. It's only when you reach adolescence that you begin to realise this. I attended a mixed primary school and a mixed secondary school so in that sense, I am lucky that I have no trouble fitting in in female dominated environments and forming lasting friendships with members of the fairer sex. Others are not so lucky and you can't really blame them, boys who attend all-boys schools for 14 years might not know how to converse with a woman in meaningful way, in a way that is not a precursor to him sleeping with her. Friendship with a female can be just as rewarding and as enjoyable as friendship with a male. They know us better than we know ourselves, they love chatting and the best ones can put up with a little bit of gentle insulting, colloquially referred to as 'banter'. They are also very useful when you have your own little relationship problems as they are well-versed in the art of providing a shoulder to cry on. Friendship between men and women is something that any equal society would want to propagate. 


In a world which increasingly emphasises the supposed importance of material wealth and social status, maintaining good and eternal friendships is often seen as secondary to progressing in your career. But no one can survive without friends, be they male or female. Friendship is basically the family that we choose. It is the glue that holds together our emotions and our mental well-being.

The Beauty of Joey Barton's Twitter.

Rarely has a website polarised as many people as Twitter. To some people, it is a fascinating way of exchanging information on current events and societal happenings quickly and freely, and of course, keeping track on the goings on of your favourite celebrities. To others, the uninitiated shall we say, it is a pointless tool that is used to exchange pointless information by pointless people. Whatever your opinion is on it, it is hard to ignore. While nigh-on every young and hip celebrity has their own Twitter account, few, if any, have utilised it to such a profound effect as a young Liverpudlian footballer named Joey Barton. Joey Barton's account is to Twitter what the I Ching is to books. In simple English, it is simply a phenomena.

I follow a lot of celebrities, especially footballers, on Twitter so I feel that I am at a good position to comment. I hate celebrities to be honest and err go, most of their Twitter accounts. They write the most banal, irrelevant rubbish and seem to either not know or not care about the concept of grammar. So I like it when I see something different. I like it when I see that a celebrity is actually taking an interest in current events and displaying competent levels of knowledge. With Joey Barton, I get all that and more. I suppose it's quite important we quickly delve into Joey's chequered past just to show how utterly surreal it is that he has become the footballing world's equivalent of Bill Hicks. He is a convicted criminal, has stubbed a cigar in a youth player's eye, broke a pedestrian's leg in Liverpool City Centre and assaulted a fellow team mate. This has led many to condemn him as a thug, a man incapable of abstaining from violence. Even now, in 2012, after spending time in rehab and becoming a father, many people's perception of him remains the same. Those who follow him on Twitter know different.

In what has become the greatest reinvention since Frank Abagnale Jr. joined the FBI, Barton has reinvented himself as a philosophical. insightful and profound individual who forms his own opinions on issues as ponderous as the London Riots to ones as frivolous as the quality (or lack of) of football commentators. He is confrontational but not in a mindless way, he always has a reason for engaging in disputes with his fellow famous Twitter users. Take his recent argument with the cast of the exorbitantly terrible The Only Way Is Essex.  To the naked eye, it would appear Joey was merely picking an easy target. TOWIE are often castigated in the press for portraying Essex in a negative light or just being incredibly stupid so Joey picking on them would obviously garner a lot support. But this was not the reason for his attacks. Joey was attacking their 'fake, pretentious lifestyles' and the 'fame hungry' nature of its characters. Sure, he called them 'retards' and 'helmets' which isn't very profound or deep but in fairness, it's hard to deny that the Towie cast aren't 'mentally deficient' as Joey also put it. 

It hasn't been Joey's vendetta against the glitterati that has been the defining feature of his tweets however. A vast amount of his ire has been reserved for his employers, be they past or present. During his dispute with Newcastle United last Summer, Joey made use of Twitter to voice his disdain of the powers that be at the club. Among his more notable tweets at the time were 'Somewhere in those high echelons of NUFC, they have decided, I am persona non grata', and 'And again it would be left to those magnificent fans to pick up the remnants of their once great club #hadenoughofcertainpeople'. Would any other footballer have the temerity to speak out in such a way? Would any other footballer be aware of the injustices which he sees? And would any other footballer know what 'Persona Non Grata' means? I think not. This episode marked Joey out as a rebel, some would say without a cause, and a thinker. It was the first time that his Twitter account properly impinged on the consciousness of the mainstream media. And from that moment on, I was entranced. 


One of Joey's best moments on Twitter in my opinion came only a few weeks ago. In an almost casual, nonchalant tweet, Joey decided to let it be known that he was off to an AA meeting. It's a taboo subject for a lot of people, alcoholism, and many people felt awkward that Joey should comment on it. They asked him why he would tweet such a thing. It makes people think about their own lives and drinking habits and that is not comfortable for a lot of people. Joey's tweets were sensible and helpful, 'Decided to comment on AA, as its important that people know its ok. That they don't have to struggle through life alone. Am ok with it!'. He talked about how he found AA meetings 'AA = Alcoholics Anonymous.........? Its usually great. Loads to be learned if u have a problem or not. Usually most do......or did! Like moi'. This portrayed Joey in a different light to that which people are used to it. It showed a vulnerable side to him, one which his normally rebellious and controversial tweets do not convey. However I felt it was an incredibly brave and mature thing to do and might even help people in a similar position to the one he was in a few years ago. 


So whether it's quoting The Smiths and Friedrich Nietzsche or having to deny links to the EDL or commenting on the hypocritical nature and corruption of American politics, it's rather safe to say Joey Barton's Twitter account is a bastion of entertainment and enlightenment. If you're sick of Rio Ferdinand's 'bants' or Wayne Rooney's nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ramblings about the X Factor give Joseph Barton a follow. Whether you agree with him or not, you're guaranteed to learn something.






And he looks like Alex Turner so what's not to like?

The Household Tax: Why it is wrong and how it can be beaten.

Good evening and thanks for coming. My name is Conor O’Riordan and I’m representing the Limerick Branch of the Campaign against Household and Property Taxes. The campaign was successfully launched a few weeks ago and we have already held several meetings in areas such as Dooradoyle, Glasgow Park and Corbally. Tonight I’ll explain to you why this is an unfair tax and why with you, the ordinary person of Ireland’s backing we can win this campaign.

This Government, like the Fianna Fáil/Greens one that came before it are determined to make us pay for the financial crisis. People’s living standards have been attacked and social services have been savaged to help service the debts of corrupt and gambling bankers and developers here and abroad. From January, the Government will attempt to impose a new Household Tax on us and will begin installing water meters in homes across the state. Rural households will face an additional sceptic tank charge. While the tax starts at €100 annually, this will rise. It is estimated that by 2014, it will be transformed into a full blown property tax which will cost households €1300. But don’t take my word for it, take the word of John Fitzgerald of the ESRI who in July appeared on the Matt Cooper show. He said he thought €100 was “relatively low” and that it would rise. When Matt Cooper asked him would it be €700-€800, he replied “yeah”. He then said “Water charges would probably be another €500”. So you see, this household tax is merely a precursor for a more brutal and more unjust property tax. 

This €100 tax is testing the waters. This is why we need to stop it now. In defence of the tax, Minister for the environment Phil Hogan claimed “Sure it’s only €100 per year, just €2 a week, everyone can afford that”. But we know this €100 tax is a temporary measure in an attempt to sucker us in. Even then, though €100 a year might seem like pittance to Phil Hogan, he does after all make €169,000 a year plus expenses, it is a further burden on many families already under severe pressure.  A report published by the Irish League of Credit Unions shows that 250,000 people or 7% of the population have no money left after paying their monthly household bills and a further 750,000 people have only €70 left each month after paying their household bills. Furthermore, the charge is a completely unfair tax.  It is a “flat tax” which asks the ordinary couple in the modest home to pay the exact same amount as the millionaire or the billionaire in his mansion.

 This household tax is merely another example of the government’s crippling austerity drive made to make us pay for the banks’ mistakes. €85bn has been paid to bail out the bankers while there has been no bailout for the working man and woman of this country who are being hammered.

So the question is, how can we beat this tax? The solution – non payment. In the mid 90’s in Dublin, The Water Tax Federation organised a non-payment campaign which defeated the water tax. So you see everyone, this tax can be beaten. There are 1.6m households who will be levied under this tax. If even 30% or 40% of these households refused to pay it would strike a hammer blow against the Government. If more refused to pay it would cause the collapse of the tax entirely. This is important as all of the cuts and taxes made hitherto have been out of our control. We can protest against VAT increases or increases in our college registration fees all we like but we can’t simply refuse to pay them. Here is where we have the upper hand. This is the first time where we can actively protest against a tax by simply not paying it. 

The Government have been quick to make their threats regarding non-payments with rumours circulating that fines may be imposed, we may lose our electricity if we refuse to pay, the €100 charge may be docked from our social welfare payments or possibly even imprisonment.  But these are hollow threats. To impose such measures the Government would be forced to take us through the legal system and this is where our campaign comes in. If anyone is ever taken through the legal system, we have a legal team who will fight their case. In the 1990s during the Water Tax campaign, if anyone was taken to court hundreds of fellow non-payers turned up to support them. That campaign’s legal team challenged every case in the courts clogging up the court system and making it impossible to proceed. We can do the same now.

Thank you for your time and patience. I hope what I have told you this evening has struck a chord with you. Remember with your help and the help of ordinary people around this great country, this tax can and will be beaten – Ní  neart go cur le céile. Go raibh maith agaibh.

Fernando Torres.... I feel your pain.

As Juan Mata launched the ball into the penalty area, Fernando Torres knew this was his moment. He studied the flight of the ball meticulously but almost instantly, peeled off his marker and with stupendous technique, scissor-kicked a shot towards the Sunderland goal. Torres' heart must have leapt. He mustn't have hit a ball so sweetly in months. But Torres' joy lasted for only a split-second as his shot rifled off the crossbar and bumped off an oblivious Frank Lampard into the net. Torres let off a wry grin and celebrated with his team mates but you could see deep in then man's soul he was hurting. He was probably considering contacting Mario Balotelli for a loan of his 'Why Always Me' t-shirt because that is just how Torres must have felt, 'Why fucking me?'.

In the split-second between the ball leaving Torres' foot and assailing the crossbar, Torres must have been imagining tomorrow's newspapers. The backpages would be dedicated to him and him only. A return of the Torres of old, a scissor-kick to match Rooney's exocet against City last season, a glimpse of why Abromavich shelled out £50m for him a year ago this month. But no. For this incident is almost a metaphor of Torres' Chelsea career so far. Plenty of effort. Moments of class. But no conviction and ,more pertinently, no luck. It's easy to chastise Torres and point out his failings in a blue shirt while acknowledging the astronomical wages he has received in his 12 months of relative failure at the club but can you really tell me that when you look into those deep, brown, mourning eyes that you don't feel a morsel of pity. Maybe churlishly, I do.

When examining why Torres has become such an abject failure, one must investigate the psychological reasons as well as the physical ones. Many have commented on how after all his hamstring problems, Torres has lost that 'extra yard', that extra gear that used to propel him past feeble defenders. Many say it's a matter of confidence, that once Torres gets on a run, there'll be no stopping him. Others say, rather ambiguously, that Torres simply has lost his 'swagger'. I think that it's a mental thing. And I feel of all the reasons I have listed, that Torres 'losing his swagger' is possibly the most accurate. Even if it is quite a vague way of putting it.

It's impossible not to make parallels between Torres' body language on the pitch now and the way it was two years ago. Back then, this blonde-haired, freckle-peppered Spaniard controlled defenders with such finesse and ease that you would forgive him for displaying an arrogant demeanour. He didn't but what he did display was a confident one. He walked with his head up, shoulders level and chest out. He sent a message to the defenders before matches had even begun, 'No fucking about here lads, I'm on a job'. His hair was tribal. Long blonde locks, clasped together with a thin head band. Some say it might him look like a girl, it didn't, it made him look like a raging barbarian (In a good way Fernando lad ). His movement in those days was phenomenal. He worked the channels, played on the cuff of the last defender and was always willing to receive the ball. His link-up play was supreme and his confidence was such that if one of his flicks or backheels didn't come off at first this would not deter him for he knew next time they would. 

Watching him play for Chelsea these days it is striking how things have changed. Torres walks with his shoulders hunched, head down and eyes firmly fixed on the ground like a child who has just been told off by his principal. Last season his hair was different too. It was short and brown. Boring and common, never going to strike fear into an opponent. He's revived his trademark died blonde look this season, perhaps in an attempt to revive past fortunes. You can see when he does look up that a certain fire still burns in eyes, that he knows how omnipotent he was and that he owes it to himself to show the world that he can still do. But you don't really believe that he believes he can do it. His movement now is slow and lethargic and perhaps this is Chelsea's system that with two wingers with little to no defensive duties required of them that the running is done for them but you get the feeling that he doesn't have the temerity to make the same dashing runs that he once did for fear that it might expose his diminished speed or for fear of offside. Offside never bothered Torres of old. He timed his runs better than Usain Bolt. Perhaps what is most telling is the ease at which defenders seem to be able to push Torres off the ball. He has certainly not grown physically weaker and Premier League defenders haven't all of a sudden grown in strength or stature, it seems to me to be a more mental thing. Torres doesn't believe he'll beat the defender to the ball and defenders, when they pick up on Torres' aforementioned poor body language realise that they have the ability to boss Torres around. The only was defenders could stop Torres of old with strength as simply by fouling him. Just ask Nemanja Vidic. 

Torres has lost his composure and assuredness in front of goal also. I don't mean to sound nostalgic and like I'm wearing rose-tinted spectacles looking at the 'good 'ol days' (I'm really not, I'm a United fan for fuck's sake!) but Torres in his Anfield heyday need not even look at the goal before he finished, he knew where it was without looking. He knew where to put it, where the keeper wouldn't reach it. This is yet another feature sadly lacking from Torres' current play. Of course, the incident which best illustrates this was Torres' anti-glorious, goal-gaping, humdinger of a miss against United in September. In that particular sequence of play, Torres did the proverbial 'everything right but the finish'. Fantastically timed run. Brilliant shimmy away from de Gea. It was a simple finish but he stabbed at the ball and the ball flew into the hoardings.  Torres had more time and had he the right composure, the right thinking he'd have surely thought before prodding at the ball in such a rash way. He fell to the ground, half in despair and half in absolute disgust with himself. 

Opposing fans may laugh and jeer and you wouldn't really blame them seeing as a man as insidious as Abromavich and a club as soulless as Chelsea have seemingly wasted £50m on an apparent has-been. But I won't. I may say this with a dent in my credibility as a United fan but I miss the Torres of old. Football is a beautiful sport when it is played properly and Fernando Torres played it  flawlessly. I feel it is a shame that such a prodigious talent has apparently all but evaporated it. I look into those deep, longing, brown eyes and I wish for the player of old to return. Just if you do return to your ethereal best Fernando, fuck off from United! That 4-1 drubbing still hurts.

Why Barack Obama has failed America and the World.

Never has the election of a leader of any country in modern times been greeted with such euphoria, such fervour as the appointment of Barack Obama in 2008. As the first African-American ever to achieve the highest office in the States, Obama represented change. Indeed, 'Change' was Obama's favourite buzzword throughout his election campaign and his appointment was seen as a sea change in American politics. After eight long years of George W. Bush making America, in amazing synchronicity, the most hated nation in the world and the laughing stock of the world, Barack Obama with his fine oratory skills and slender frame was meant to re-establish America's role as 'the greatest country in the World™ '. Obama, to be blunt, has been an unmitigated failure. He is no different to George Bush, his persona as a caring beacon of hope is merely a facade. His 4 years in office have exposed him as a liar and a crook. 'Why has he been a failure?' I hear you ask. Right, let's get down to it.


In 2009, a year after winning the presidential election, Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Now even back then many were perplexed as to why Obama should receive such a prestigious award that has been bestowed on the likes of Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa in the past. And now, in 2012, it is safe to say that awarding Obama the Nobel Peace Prize is akin to awarding Katie Price the Nobel Prize in Literature. Under Obama, America has now attacked more countries than under Bush thanks to the air strikes and drones, often used against civilians, in Libya, Pakistan, Yemen and probably Somalia. Then of course there is the continued operations in Afghanistan and the only very recently ended presence in Iraq. It is argued that the blame for Iraq and Afghanistan cannot be levelled at Obama as it was Bush who sent troops in and while this is true, Obama has committed more troops to Afghanistan and had the temerity, the audacity, to describe the American occupation of Iraq a 'success'. The murder of over 100,000 civilians does not sound like a 'success' to me. 


And now of course we have the prospect of Obama engineering a strike against Iran in the near future. Iran is thought to be developing nuclear weapons which is not good news obviously. Nuclear weapons are dangerous tools that could eventually lead to the destruction of our world and Iran should be shunned if this is the case. But is it really America or Obama's place to criticise them? Let's just remember which country invented the atomic bomb and which country currently has the second largest arsenal of nuclear warheads (Behind only Russia), Yep, you guessed right. Obama has come out in force against Iran stating "And if they are pursuing nuclear weapons, then I have said very clearly, that is contrary to the national security interests of the United States; it's contrary to the national security interests of our allies, including Israel; and we are going to work with the world community to prevent that," . Iran has not started a war/invaded a country in living memory. They war engaged in a war with Iraq in the early 80's granted, but that was as a result of Iraq invading part of Iran. America on the other hand has invaded two countries illegally in the last decade, killed countless civilians and engaged in acts of torture and depravity of human rights. In essence, I am a lot more afraid of America than I am of Iran so Obama can stick that 'national security' lingo up his arse.


One of Obama's most enduring promises during his election campaign was that he would close down the infamous Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba that the US had been using to house suspected terrorists since 2002. This facility is a bastion of torture and interrogation, a place where human rights are deprived on a grand level. Amnesty International has declared it the 'Gulag of our times'. The men housed here have no legal rights and no access to a fair trial. The infamous torture technique 'water-boarding' is practised here and it has even been revealed that children as young as 13 have been detained in Guantanamo Bay. Even more incredulously, in 2010 Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson who was a former aide to Secretary of State Colin Powell during the Bush administration stated that President Bush and his cabinet knew that most of the detainees were innocent but decided to imprison them in Guantanamo for 'reasons of political expedience'. So why doesn't Obama close the evil place down? I don't know. He might know. But what I do know is that A) He lied about closing it down. B) He does not care one bit about freedom or liberty or human rights that him or his country apparently espouses. 


Domestically, Obama has also fallen short. Obama and The Democratic Party were especially vocal in their oppositions to Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy in the mid-noughties that saved the wealthiest in America around half a trillion dollars in taxes. Again, it appeared that their bark was worse than their bite as in 2011, Obama agreed to extend Bush's tax cuts till 2013. Obama has vowed that he will get rid of them in 2013 if he is still president that is but after him lying so many times before, how are we to know? Obamacare has failed, many Americans still can't afford good healthcare. And just over a week ago on the 2nd of January 2012, Obama signed the NDAA into law, an act which effectively means that the US military can detain US citizens without trial, something which Johnathan Turley in the Guardian described as a 'historic assault on liberty'.


Maybe Obama might get another 4 years in office come November or maybe Mitt Romney or Ron Paul might take his seat. But it doesn't really matter. The Democratic Party and the Republican Party might have differing ideals and attitudes, but they're both friends of big business and the military industrial complex. Obama has conned America and indeed the world with his suave speeches and attractive soundbites but he is still merely a poster boy for Wall Street. He's George W. Bush MK II but just with better oratory skills and a more acceptable face. Nothing has changed and with the system as it is in America, nothing will.