Wednesday, 26 September 2012

My view for a new Ireland: We cut off half of it.

We have heard a lot of talk since the recession began regarding what is the best course of action to take to wrestle Ireland out of the financial and indeed moral quagmire in which it finds itself. Cuts, tax hikes, pension levies have all been tried and tested. All have failed. Many international and domestic economists, financial experts and political analysts have been quizzed on what is the most viable route forward. 

But it seems no one has cared to ask what a 19 year old student who dabbles in nihilism, is a keen observer of human behaviour and dresses wonderfully what he thinks. Until now. When I ask myself - What is my vision for a new, better Ireland?

Simple. We get rid of the shit counties. 

Counties evicted and why

Any county that roughly resembles a phallus should not be part of this great isle. Roscommon is phallic in appearance and phallic in nature. A truly disgusting county. It smells like Shredded Wheat that has been urinated upon, so I'm told (I've never ventured beyond its murky borders but I have it on good authority).

What is Offaly known for? Bogs, being the birthplace of our bumbling former Taoiseach, maybe not the man who caused the recession but certainly a man who drank his way through the vast majority of it (at our expense), Brian Cowan and robbing Kerry of an historic 5-in-a-row All-Irelands in 1982 with a last minute winner courtesy of Seamus Darby who blatantly and quite viciously pushed Kerry full-back Tommy Doyle in the back before launching his ball goalwards. A dreadful county, its inhabitants shall be banished to the underworld and any wealth accrued from the destruction of the county shall be awarded as compensation to the people of Kerry.

An utterly pointless county. There is no question that this geographical wart must be expelled from the realm.

Mayo is not a bad county. Nor is it a pointless county. The reason it is being demolished however is it is the county which spawned the devilchild we know call der fuhrer, Enda Kenny. And for that it must be punished. Any Mayoman or woman who did not vote for Fine Gael shall be granted entrance to Galway on the condition that they extinguish that frankly ridiculous accent from their tongues. The Hardy Bucks shall be granted a palace in the hills of Meath. 

See Carlow.

Not sure why I have decided to delete Sligo from existence. Think I'm going a bit power hungry. Their claims that Sligo is a city are baffling and unfounded. This is reason enough. 

Expulsion from Ireland and destruction of their county shall be a sweet escape for the people of Leitrim. For years it has been the butt of everyone's jokes, most notably Dustin the turkey, and the only reason that it is given even a shred of acknowledgement is that it is Ireland's least populated county. And you don't become Ireland's least populated county without reason. A putrid shithole.

A county that has spawned One Direction's be-quiffed and profusely annoying Niall Horan and possibly the most obnoxious arsehole on Irish TV at the moment, Bressie, does not deserve existence. We have one Meath already. The western half of Meath can act as Westmeath if we begin to miss the county. Though that is highly unlikely.

All of Ulster 
Who needs an accent that sounds like a Scottish person being entered anally by both of the Klitschko brothers at the same time? No one. The North have been nothing but trouble ever since the English uprooted the natives and replaced them with troublemaking protestants. We'd have no more Orange parades, no more rebel songs (no one down South sings them any more), no more violence and no more shit accents. And no more Donegal with their strange football and even stranger eyebrows (Just look at Jim McGuinness'). 

How we would undertake the geographical divorce
A massive cutting machine, in the shape of a crane, shall be constructed by Liebherr Cranes in Killarney, Co.Kerry which will go about removing the deleted part of the country. As soon as it is out at sea it will be compressed downwards. We shall do this by employing Mary Harney. She is currently out of work and she has to earn that big, fat pension. She will jump up and down on the floating isle a few times which should generate enough pressure for it to plunge to the bottom of Davy Jones' Locker. 

This lost land shall be marketed as The Green Atlantis and my forecasts show that the revenue garnered from tourists interested in visiting it will not exceed the billions of euro, but exceed trillions. This will end the recession.

You're welcome. 

No comments:

Post a Comment