Why football is better than women

By Conor O’Riordan

It’s an old cliché, isn’t it? Football is better than women. Many men profess this in moments of intense fervour when watching football only to laugh off the mere notion of it when they calm down moments later. But in all honesty, deep down, we all know football is better than women. It was Friedrich Nietzche who said “Ah women, they make the highs higher and the lows more frequent”. True that. For you see, we men are a simple bunch. This is how we are portrayed and it is true. We like to make things easier for ourselves and without question it is much easier to love a football team than it is to love a woman.

For starters, your football team are with you for life. You will never suffer the heartbreak or embarrassment of a messy break-up. It is a relationship that starts at childhood. There is an old cliché that says “You don’t pick your football team, it picks you”. Partially true that. I did not consciously make the decision to support Manchester United, it just sort of happened. United was always a faithful partner. It never cheated on me, never stopped talking to me (I still get weekly e-mails from them) and never stopped giving. I know we United supporters live a charmed existence in comparison to many other clubs but I’m sure this is the case for most other clubs’ supporters. United never asked for my opinion on what clothes make their arse look fat. They never chastised me for not listening enough. I don’t recall United telling me that “I’m just not their type”. Like Bruno Mars, they love me just the way I am.

Football is also a source of conversation amongst your friends, the main source for many people. You can’t discuss women in depth with other men, it’s unnatural! But football? Christ I’ve had some in-depth conversations about football. I’ve spent a half hour discussing Saloman Kalou with my friend Dave. I don’t even like Saloman Kalou. The social aspect of football is almost as appealing as the aesthetic aspect of it. Many of my long term friendships are built on a mutual love for the Beautiful Game.  It is something which bonds men together like nothing else.

Another reason why football is better than women is that it doesn’t put any unnecessary pressure on you. If you fall out of love with football (an unlikely scenario) it will wait. It will carry on as always in the background and when you are ready to embrace it again it will welcome you back with open arms. Football loves you, it wants what is best for you. Now on the other hand if you fall out of love with a woman be prepared for a Grade A s**tstorm.  She will not wait, she will not understand. She will leave. Football will also never make you change. If you weigh 150kg, have a face like Luke Chadwick and a brain like Paul Merson football will not try and change you. It accepts you anyway you are. It loves you and wants you to be happy just the way you are. Now women on the other hand….