Friday, 9 March 2012

Take Me Out - How much will I hate it?

I ain't usually a fan of self-torture. No, it isn't one of my more quotidian activities. I usually like to spend my Friday evenings draped on a sofa, a mug of tea in one hand, my laptop sat on my lap and an edifying article or two to read. This Friday was different however. For the sole purpose to provide me with an opportunity to write an article and update my blog, I decided to engage in a bit of self-torture and  watch an episode of TV3's infamous, smash-hit Take Me Out and critically review it. Even before the abhorrent theme music had ended, I was already missing my edifying articles.

I had made a concerted effort in steering clear of Take Me Out before this evening. It was never going to tickle my fancy was Take Me Out. The bits and pieces I had seen of it lead me to the conclusion that it was a brain-sapping piece of sexist bile. Sexist, in different ways, against both sexes, which is quite an achievement. The host, Ray Foley, never appealed to me, I felt the concept was dry and unoriginal and the girls came across as nonsensically picky. Though I fostered much ambivalence towards the show, I tried my utmost to remain impartial and objective throughout viewing it. This was by far the most difficult part.

You know the premise of the show, I don't need to explain it. Fella walks out, tries to impress a coterie of extravagantly dressed ladies while Ray Foley provides some gentle nudging and apparent comic relief. 

The first man to alight from backstage was the lanky, gangly yet undeniably attractive Dominic. He was a hit and only two girls turned off their lights as he strolled down the runway. "Lucky Dominic", I mused to myself, "He's getting the ride tonight". As the Take Me Out process developed, the numbers interested in Dominic naturally dwindled. His "Flirty for thirty" segment was quite anodyne and unlikely to dissuade potential suitors. There was a noticeable decline in the amount of numbers interested in him when he mentioned that he enjoyed Go-Karting. This perplexed me. What do women have against Go-Karting?Is there a female vendetta against Go-Karting? At what point in the dating process does one come to the conclusion that men who go-kart are pricks and unattractive? 

You see this is what truly amazed me about Take Me Out. It had nothing to do with whether the man acquires a female in the end, nobody really cares about that, it's the nonsensical process. Do these women have the right to be so damn choosy? Besides the go-karting fiasco, I saw men rejected for reasons as absurd as "being active", jokingly suggesting that if he were to wangle a bird that he would take her on tandem bike journeys (It was excruciatingly obvious that he was joking by the bide) and even more bewilderingly, the fourth male hopeful, Chris, saw his number of interested ladies dramatically fall after he stated "I like enjoying myself". Seriously, a hail of klaxons sounded as soon as the final syllable left his mouth. Astonishing. And not in a good way.

One girl, her name was Beth I believe was quite the choosy princess tonight. When the increasingly annoying Foley inquired as to why she rejected our third lamb for the slaughter Shane, she nonchalantly replied "I'm not going to move my hips for him". Her persnickety attitude would only be understandable if she was a pulchritudinous creature with the eyes of Cheryl Cole, the smile of Scarlett Johansson, the lips of Angelina Jolie and the tits of Georgia Salpa. Alas, Beth had a face that look likes a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Don't touch that light Beth. Keep it on and pray that a fella not so visually endowed comes on the show.

The show is incredibly and intrinsically seedy. It's chock full of sexual innuendos, some subtle, some obvious, very few actually funny. For instance when our Shane was likened to Harry Potter by one of the girls, albeit an "extra-large" Harry Potter, Foley quipped excitedly "Maybe you'll see his wand". Huh-huh. Besides the sexual innuendos, the reward for a prospective couple is a night in a "nightclub" charmingly christened "Shifters". Christ TV3, how fucking long did it take you to come up with that gem? And it never showed anyone actually getting the shift there. The name is a horrible lie. 

As you may have guessed, I didn't enjoy Take Me Out and in fact many aspects of it infuriated me. There was one scene however that had a profound effect one me. This was metaphorical murdering of second Aztec sacrifice David. David was immolated. His ego must have been anyway. For he was completely rejected. None of Take Me Out's "sassy ladies" thought their lives would be enhanced by his presence and by time his "Flirty for thirty" section was complete, all of the ladies had quenched their lights. I felt awfully sorry for David. He was a bonny lad, bright and zippy he was with an innocent face. This may have been his downfall as three girls remarked on how they'd be "too wild" for him. Look girls, you're not Keith fucking Moon. Get over yourselves. As David trudged off in ignominy he did with a brave, sanguine look on his face. His positive attitude must have been a masquerade though. As he walked down the runway, the classic love loser song "All By Myself" pierced through the studio. The man had just been rejected by 30 strangers who didn't even think he was worth a solitary date on national telly. His spirit must have been Nagasakied. 

Admittedly, I am not the target audience for Take Me Out. The show is not made for my consumption nor is made for critical assessment. In my introductory paragrpahs I outlined how, before watching a full episode of the show, I thought it was a "brain-sapping piece of sexist bile". In short, I was correct. 

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